TVScreed Review: Zombie Apocalypse and Amish Mafia

No. NO. DIE IN A FIRE, HISTORY CHANNEL. Or DISCOVERY CHANNEL. BOTH OF YOU.

So, I had the exceptional misfortune of watching what a University professor used to refer to as the Hitler Channel the other night (because at that time, almost every show was some documentary on Hitler. Oh, if we could only return to those glorious heydays).







No, for this timely holiday season, we instead got Zombie Apocalypse, or Walking Zombie History or whatever the hell the channel formerly known for pretending to air vaguely nature or history-related programming  called their "real zombie" documentary. The selling out rate is now such that I can't even keep which channels I'm watching straight anymore. It appears this may have been the Discovery Channel, which makes sense, as it has recently become my arch-nemesis, as I had my last encounter with it as I was exposed to Gold Diggers, which aired what I estimate to have been eighty-nine episodes straight, after the two-week marathon of Gold Rush, none of which have any actual scientific content anywhere near them. I mean they didn't even have anyone that had read a science textbook walk by them.

Anyway, back to this zombie documentary crap. You know, the one where they talked to people they called "Preppers", about how they were readying themselves, for the inevitable zombie uprising. Because, as one not-at-all-batshit-wackjob put it, "Zombies aren't a question of 'if', they're a question of 'when'." And really, I think he speaks for all of us when he says "moo moo dogface in a banana patch", doesn't he?

"A zombie outbreak is my biggest fear."

One woman said, "If you come see to see me, prepare to get strip-searched. I ain't lettin' nobody in without a bite check. If I find a bite, I shoot you in the face." Leaving aside the very important issue of: who the hell would go to visit someone like her besides law enforcement pursuing a warrant, the show's producers asked this woman "Even kids? You'd shoot kids?" She frowned as though this eventuality had somehow not occurred to her MENSA-level brainiac skull-meat, and she said, "Well, that's a tough one. I don't know if I could shoot kids. I'd probably have to lock them in a room til they turned." I nodded with satisfaction that the future would be well and safe in her hands. At least shooting kids in the face was a tough decision for her. She was practically Sarah Conner. Future bright.

Another pair of neckbeards met at a coffee shop to discuss their latest toy lightsabre and roleplaying game purchases. Oh, also, the new government facility that just opened up in their area in the mid-west of the United States - a fact which alarmed both of them greatly. Probably to an extent it shouldn't have. The younger guy reported to the older guy, most likely purely for the benefit of the camera, since they had an extremely uninteresting and pointless scene that developed from this, that a new "bio-facility" had opened in the heartland of whatever allegedly idyllic mid-western state they lived in, causing outrage and consternation in the larger and older of the two neckbeards, who demanded, "Why would they need to do something like that? What possibly reason would they have to build a facility like that here?!"

The  two proceeded to discuss how this would endanger all life on earth and in their area and the water tables and wildlife, and presumably they then ordered double cheeseburgers but that footage is conveniently missing from the documentary. Also missing is the footage where someone overhearing them suggested that since neither of them were scientists, they probably didn't actually know what this facility was, and couldn't really say either way if it "needed" to be where it was or not, but that sometimes things were built in areas for reasons of convenience, such as being a central research and laboratory location.

It is unknown if the facility will ever potentially contain the necessary potential fictional materials that might ever possibly make up the components to create a zombie outbreak, but the equally fictional sources in my head say no.

During this show, an ad for another show would appear on the right-hand side of the screen, and I don't mean, "at the odd intervals" - I mean THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE SHOW. And I don't mean "in a small corner of the screen", I mean THE ENTIRE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SCREEN, there was an ad for "AMISH MAFIA". I remember idly vacillating between "You know, that might actually be more interesting or believable than this" and "I'm just glad that has got to be some horrible idea that will be airing next month and the odds of me seeing it are almost nil".

Apparently Satan and Cthulhu are tag-team partners, because as soon as Zombie History Cash-In was over, you'll never guess what started next on the F'N HISTORY CHANNEL.

AMISH. F'N. MAFIA!

BURN IN HELL HISTORY CHANNEL.

"Levi, we really need to re-open the fights. It makes us a lot of money." says the Amish "babe" in her white bonnet. The "Godfather" of the Amish Mafia, Levi, looks skeptical, but he can't say no to the femme fatale. She later confides that having "barn fights" isn't on the up and up but it makes them good money, and very few men can say no to her because of her figure, then she steps back a pace and flaunts her drab double-layer thick ankle length skirt and apron, then sadly adds, "But I know I won't have this body forever."

Don't talk like that, you're still a hottie!

So two guys busily started going about hooking up expensive industrial electric shop lighting and roping off the barn for the bare-knuckles "barn fights". Because these are apparently the reformed Amish that still wear bonnets and dressed and hats and beards but also have hydraulics and 5 trillion candlepower spotlights and cars.

While the fights were being scheduled, Levi got a request by a local Amish farmer to go check out "An Englishmen" who had set up near his farm and was dressed as an Amish and selling fruit but wasn't Amish, and was taking his business. Levi noted to the camera "we'll go check out the situation. We may have to 'take him out'." A brief argument, an assumed scuffle and a dramatic camera cut to black and an ominous "The man no longer sells fruit in [Plot Convenience] County". The amusing thing was, moments before, they were talking about how shameful and unforgivable it was to pretend to be Amish. Yep. Deplorable.

Welp. Fight time. Let's check in and see what. WTF. Their fighter is getting a tattoo. He looks like a UFC middle-weight. He's training on a heavy bag. No. NO. AMISH KICKBOXING. NO.

I am going to try to stick to movies. Television may have defeated me once and for all.